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Best advice for people scared of dogs: DON’T make a SCENE!

I have to speak up about this topic because as a former dog owner, and watching my sister having to deal with people who are scared of her little hyperactive mutt, I get beyond irritated with the way people behave around a dog when scared of it.

Here’s the thing. We get it. You are scared. Maybe you got bit by one in the past. So what? A dog bit my hand when I was ten years old- it was my fault- the dog was pretty much blind, I wanted to pet him, I surprised him, and poor thing got scared because he did not know I was coming and defended himself. I ended up with a bleeding hand, and poor thing was scared more than me. It didn’t stop me or my family of having another dog.

So here are key steps what to do/not do when you are scared of a dog:

1- You are NOT at the center of that dog’s attention:

People who are scared of dogs always somehow assume that the only thing the dog pays attention to is to them. Not true! The dog is busy exploring the surroundings, smells, other dogs, other people. You don’t stand out, to a dog you are just another person passing by!

2- Do not suddenly stop and stare at and/or talk to or yell at the owners (or dog)

So far everyone who is scared of a dog ALWAYS stops moving. If you had JUST WALKED BY the dog would have NEVER noticed you. By suddenly stopping you are making YOURSELF the center and you are making YOURSELF stand out. The dog probably would not care at all, HAD YOU NOT MAKE YOURSELF SOMETHING TO PAY ATTENTION TO.

You suddenly stop moving, that gets the dog attention- it is not normal behavior to a dog. Most people pass by, right? Asking the owner to “take care of the dog/put it on a leash/ grab it closer” is a reasonable request in human’s mind- to a dog, an UNKNOWN person in a hostile voice is talking to their owner: of course they will growl at you, they are sensing negative vibe and they will always protect their owner.

3- Don’t make the dog suspicious by making a scene

For some reason, people scared of dogs have a need to explain for ten minutes how they are scared of dog and how to “Get that thing away from you.” There is NO NEED to explain for such a long time that you are scared. Everyone gets it. The dog smells your fear, the owner can hear what you are saying. Walk on by and this scene making can be over. No need for the story and background details on your fear of dogs. KEEP WALKING!

4- Most dogs (despite of what you think) won’t bite you

Most of the dogs you are scared of are nice dogs. Even if it is a Pit Bull, doesn’t mean it is a killing biting machine.

I mean, it is so simple. If you are scared of the dog, just keep walking by and the dog won’t even care. Don’t stop and make a scene about how you are scared of dogs!!

Think about it- let’s say you are scared of snakes (I am definitely scared of them). So, let’s say I was walking down the street (maybe at some exotic location so it is more plausible), and there was a guy with a few snakes around his neck and maybe one or two following him around. Would I intentionally stop and started yelling at him to move his snakes away? NO!!! I would pass him and the snakes by to get the hell away from them all.

What do you think? What have your experiences been so far? Leave a comment below! Thanks for visiting my blog, and don’t forget to check out my books on Amazon!

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Referral spam makes bloggers think they have actual readers

I check the numbers of my blog on my lunch break. Instead of getting a nice ice-cream desert, I look at my posts and how (un)successful my writing has been. For the longest time, I didn’t truly understand SEO and all that other fancy data. Surely, people checking my blog were actual people, right?

Then I did some reading and even got into the fancy Google Analytics. I mean, my blog visits are in fairly small numbers so data analyzing on grand scale really is not too realistic. But with Google Analytics, I learned the hard truth. “All” those “visitors” from my blog were actually just spam websites. Referral websites which “advertise the website they want people to visit and it will improve the spammers search engine ranking by creating backlinks to their website off your website’s access log.” They are mooching off my website log while making me believe they actually read my thoughts, feelings, or satire? How messed up is that?!

Granted, WordPress does provide some sort of filtering, but I know my data is skewed. And my Goodness, Google Analytics is a hot mess! It leaves me wondering if I have any actual visitors, genuine visitors at all? The only true feedback I trust these days is when you, dear reader, like my post. That’s it. Because for the longest time I believed that these spam numbers were actual readers, that I was sharing my content with the world. So before you go and check your blog data in Google Analytics… just don’t. Take the blue pill. Believe whatever you want to believe because this statistic trickery and back-linking is depressing.

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Customer to the hairstylist: “Honestly, I hate the new haircut”

Tulsa, OK- More than half of Americans get their hair cut at least four times a year, with women spending nearly $120 per visit, while men spend, on average, roughly $40. However, despite the high costs, 90% of the customers do not give an honest feedback about their satisfaction- 56% of those customers do not want to hurt the hairstylists feelings, while 33% are too shy to stand up for themselves. That, however, was not the case with Linda, 32, a mother of three, who got her hair cut last Thursday.

“I didn’t want a drastic change, really,” started out Linda, who decided to get her hair cut at the small, family-run salon. “I just wanted my ends trimmed a bit and maybe some highlights, like that was it. I told my hairstylist what I wanted, I even showed her a picture… I thought she knew what I wanted.”

According to Linda, after an hour of friendly talking, scalp massage and Ryan Gossling gossip, cutting and windy hair blowing, Fay, Linda’s hairstylist was finally done with her work. When Linda saw herself in the mirror, she immediately hated what she saw. “Is this ok?” Fay asked Linda, as she was holding a mirror behind Linda’s back to get a better visual. Linda, who says she was “always told to tell her truth” was now facing a moral dilemma. To lie, or not to lie? But her sense of honesty and constructive feedback came over. “I told her: Honestly, Fay, I hate the new haircut.” Fay looked puzzled and her eye started twitching, recounts Linda. “You cut off way too much hair, not just the ends, and the color tone doesn’t look like the one I showed you on the picture.”

Once the truth was out, Fay tried to fix Linda’s dissatisfaction. “I’ve never had a customer complain,” said Fay, “so that was truly a unique experience. Of course, I didn’t see anything wrong with it, but a customer was unhappy so I pretended like I see the problem. Ultimately, we “fixed” it and I am guessing she is never coming back to my salon.”

 

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Merkel resigns: “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this sh*t”

Berlin, Germany- People across Europe have woken up to some shocking news on the morning of August 22, 2015. Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany and the unofficial leader of the European Union, decided to resign from her position.

Looking tired and weary-eyed, dressed in her usual frumpy power suit, she held an emergency press conference in the Press and Information Office of the Federal Government in Berlin. “I stand here before you to tell you that today I officially resign as a Chancellor of Germany. Recent years have brought on so much baloney, I think I just don’t want to deal with it anymore […] and honestly, I just don’t get paid enough to deal with this s*it.”

When asked what are some main reasons for her sudden resignation, she laughed loudly and stated: “Where should I even begin?”

In her three hours long explanation speech, she stated that “it all started with Americans spreading the financial crisis upon everyone, and while Germans are good with savings and planning, other nations aren’t and they just pissed away the money and then came to me to bail them out […] So everyone is unemployed, and now we have millions of so-called “refugees” who are fleeing to Europe and expect me to take care of them. We don’t have enough money for everyone, don’t you get this? WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY!”

She also expressed that her party, Christian Democratic Union of Germany, is putting her under severe pressure. “My party is ready to get rid of me because they think I am babying everyone; and they are absolutely against all the Muslim refugees. In addition, my reputations among German people has been tarnished; I have German citizens demanding not to spend our hard earned money anymore and asking me where on Earth are we going to place all those refugees?”

Terrorist acts across Europe also horrify Mrs. Merkel. “The spread of terrorism across Europe has just been awful. I keep asking Hollande (President of France), to be more active and take more severe precautions but he just laughs and says we got it under control. I would’ve taken more aggressive measures, but you know, with German history and all, my hands are kind of tied.”

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Inspired by The Onion

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Freshman brings an entire house with him to the dorm

Columbia, SC- Mothers this week everywhere are walking around puffy-eyed and equipped with tissues, as their babies are finally moving out for college. They have swamped the college towns to help their offspring make the big move; many secretly doubt their kids can make it in the cold embrace of a college dorm. Fresh(wo)men, likewise, aren’t sure if they can make it without a pre-stocked fridge either.

Justin, 19, was once one of those kids- seriously doubting his survival skills. “I told my Mom and Dad that these college dorms were not up to the standard of living I am used to. I told them the only way I was going to go to college and live in a dorm was if they replicated everything we have at home. I wanted my own giant fridge, two bikes, microwave, Sonos wireless home theater system (to recreate the home cinema feel for the times I watch movies), a new car (for the ladies), nice comfortable recliner (like the one Dad has), giant plasma TV, PS3 and some other items no one should ever live without. It took a few days, but now my dorm finally looks the same as my room back home […] it’s like I never left.”

While a little worried about the cost of all the amenities, Justin’s parents gladly bought everything that Justin needed for the big move. “His college room is now his new home and if we have to replicate our entire house to make him comfortable, so be it,” said Lydia, Justin’s Mom. “I can’t imagine a life without a microwave or TV, and neither should my baby.”

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Selfie stick draws 90% of the viewer’s retina movements

Philadelphia, PA- The self-centered, (new) way of looking awkward while taking cutesy pictures of yourself or your group of friends at the top of the Eiffel Tower is all the rage. Selfie stick is the “hottest 2014/2015 holiday gift,” and people are embracing the long, extendable sticks as a way to never ask a stranger to take a photo of them ever again.

Researches from the Woodrow Institute of Social Sciences and Psychology have followed the phenomenon of selfie obsession and carefully studied if, indeed, the selfie takers get the desired results by using the selfie stick. The researches carefully analyzed the retina movements of two thousand participants who were shown pictures of people taking normal selfies and selfies with a stick. Surprisingly, 90% percent of the retina movements was first drawn to the stick itself, while blurring out the people who were holding it.

“The study provided us with interesting results,” told us Dr. Michael Berry, Chairman of the Woodrow Institute of Social Sciences and Psychology. “The individuals who are using selfie sticks as a way to optimize their self-portrayal are actually not getting the desired results; the study revealed that the sticks are actually a distraction to the eye […] what this means is that the viewer of the image spends more time looking at the actual stick; looking at its length, analyzing what materials it is made of and how the photographer is holding it rather than paying attention to the face/body/landscape that the photographer is trying to capture. In psychology we call this the “irrelevant yet relevant object of distraction” which bamboozles the brain.” When asked which tool would be best to take photos, Dr. Berry reverted back to “good ole fashioned days of asking the stranger to take multiple pictures so the person can choose the best one.”

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Inspired by The Onion

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Cruise lines encourage passengers to leave personal items as a way to reserve a spot on the deck

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL- In the midst of crowded decks, fights for lounge chairs and common lack of care, Barnival Cruise line is the first among many to officially approve and encourage passengers to leave their personal items as a way to reserve a spot on the deck.

“There is always a lot of hostility in the air when our guests have to share the decks and the pool areas. The free seating chairs are always crowded and it has truly become a problem,” stated Amanda Rigby, who’s been a deck attendant at Barnival Cruise Line for almost four years. “I’ve seen people get into shouting matches because, for example, German guests always reserve a spot with a newspaper, while Americans like to leave a towel. There is a big cultural clash […] and as a company we must accommodate our guests in the best way possible. Therefore, to solve the issues that have been accumulating for years, we have decided that whoever leaves any personal item(s) first on the chair, no body else can remove it, not even the cruise staff throughout the entire duration of the cruise.”

The recent announcement was accepted with positive reaction.

Anne, a 70-year old retiree, was quite satisfied. “I don’t get much sleep through the night, so I can put my bag or towel on the deck chair at the crack of dawn when everyone is still asleep. It definitely helps me keep my spot as I take my afternoon nap and don’t have to worry about it. I like the new system.”

“Now, I don’t have to call somebody a jerk and make a scene about them taking my towel in front of my kids,” said Michael Schneider, father of three.

Landon, 47, sports junkie stated: “I don’t ever go to the pool areas, but I like to have the option of not having to worry about it and just dump my gym shirt there. Really glad they’re doing this.”

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Inspired by The Onion

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Bride-to-be Faces Harsh Criticism After Announcing She Won’t Be Getting Fit For Her Wedding

Richmond, VA- Her wedding day might still be months away, but Sally Ashworth, 25, is facing harsh criticism from her family and above all, her friends who find her decision of not trying to lose weight for the grand wedding day absolutely horrendous.

“I announced the engagement a week ago,” Sally told us, “and after the initial excitement, the conversation was steered to my look and my wedding dress and how I absolutely must drop twenty pounds and get toned arms and firm belly for the wedding.” The initial revelation was first accepted with “you must be kidding” kind of response, but then it turned into a serious matter.

“I told them I thought the wedding day was about Peter and I stating our love for each other in front of God and our close friends. Since, I’ve gotten nasty text messages about how I should truly reconsider losing some weight because after all I have to look good in the wedding pictures because they last forever.”

Her close friend, Miranda Elmore, 26 was one of those friends who warned Sally of the consequences of her reckless decision-making. “She is not thinking straight,” Miranda told us when we called her to find out more. “I’m covering her back here. It’s embarrassing to have bat wings in your wedding photos. Of course, wedding is about love but everyone also memorizes how the bride looked too. Twenty years from now, she will be looking back at her wedding album and think to herself man, I looked really good and toned and nothing can top that.”

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(Inspired by The Onion)

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Babies Force Their Parents To Only Post Pictures Of Them On Facebook

CHICAGO- After having received many complaints from their users about the vast amount of baby pictures suddenly appearing in their news feed, Facebook decided to investigate the matter further after the initial suspicion of a complicated computer glitch.

“From what we have been able to find out is that newborn babies have indeed developed a take over scheme,” declared Mark Zuckerberg, Chairman and Chief Executive of Facebook, at an impromptu press conference. “Investigation showed that parents, enamored with the babies cuteness, were not willingly posting pictures of their new-born babies smiling, pooping, sleeping or even eating carrots- it was all a deliberate scheme plotted by these babies who wanted to create Facebook accounts, but were not old enough yet to create one.” Most parents with newborns have had problems with the account takeovers. “It appears that some accounts are more hijacked than others,” stated Zuckerberg, “as some babies even took over the profile pictures posing under their parents names.”

Lara, an avid Facebook user, was thrilled to hear the results of the investigation. “I thought it was rather odd that my friend Jessica, who also recently had a child, kept posting pictures of her baby every hour. From the aforementioned baby being washed, getting a new bib to the baby cuddling with their dog, baby playing with Grandma, baby smiling for the first time…. I thought it was odd. I am glad Facebook came to the bottom of this.”

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(Inspired by The Onion)

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I’m a murderer. Vicious, vicious plant murderer.

I dread this time of year. Dread it. Anyone who has any vacation days left is hopping off on a flight to Dominican resort or is boarding the party cruise-line…. and who do they ask to “keep an eye on” their plants? ME!

I hate watering plants for people. Give me a hamster to feed, a cat to cuddle with or a dog to take out. But plants? I forget about plants. I don’t know how much water they need. I don’t know their types. I don’t know their survival requirements. I know nothing! By having to (not) water them, you turn me into a murderer. A terminator! A liquidator! Pure and simple, a killer.

My sister is the one that dumps them on me. I reluctantly agree, of course. I can take care of her daughters when they are at my place, how could I not take care of plants then? Maybe I will do better this time!

At first, the plants seem fine. I try talking to them. Sing to them. I try to make them happy. I diligently read the list on how much water they need and how often they should be watered. Next few days, I forget they are there. Because they are so quiet, I don’t notice their presence. I watch TV, I write my blogs, I go to work without a single thought regarding the plants.

Then I come home one day, and I suddenly notice almost like a trail of shedding leaves. Then, as I glance to see if there are any survivals left, only few, sad, wilting leaves are staring at me. “You did this to us!” they scream. Then I notice spots and brown patches on stems. “Please forgive me!” I cry. I give them so much water their little pot is overflowing. I don’t know what to do. I add more fertilizer. I put them in a warmer place. I blast Mozart and Vivaldi through the house. I stay up late to talk to them and make sure they will make it through the night.

By the time my sister comes back, sun-kissed and reborn from her vacation, I manage to kill half her plants. She grabs whatever plants are still half-alive and storms out- saying she will never trust me with them ever again. I pour myself a glass of wine and cheer to the plants I killed. I’m a plant murderer.

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