Buffalo, NY- Perpetually hiding a pot belly in baggy clothes sometimes becomes so annoying that some people actually decide to do something about it. Brittany Quinn, 26, decided to get more toned after she got fed up with her jiggly body. “She started with the simple couch to 5K runs and things like that,” Leah, 25 told us about Brittany. They’ve been friends since high school. “I supported her and even did the runs with her. I knew she hated her body for years and doing something about it was definitely good.”
But Brittany Quinn didn’t stop there. She started complaining about not being toned enough. “She really changed her diet to nothing but protein shakes and lean meat and all that other super healthy stuff,” Whitney, Brittany’s best friend, noticed. “And she started to life weights. She ended up going to the gym for two hours each day.” Her Facebook was drowning with quotes like “I just want someone that will lift, cuddle and drink protein shakes with me” and had tons of pictures of her lifting heavy. “Within a few months you could notice a huge change in her body. The fat was disappearing and she was getting really toned. But she started cancelling on our movie nights because she didn’t want to be tempted by pop-corn and chips, and she spent Friday nights at the gym instead of going out and having fun.”
Within a year, she entered a body-building contest and won third place. “Of course we all went to see her to support her,” Whitney continued, “but we are all secretly hoping the old Brittany would come back. Like, she doesn’t have to be as fat as she was but we feel like she went from one extreme to another- from being really fat to really fit. Can’t she just be happy with a normal body and still go to the gym, eat healthy and still spend some time with her friends?”
Brittany was not available to comment because she was too busy lifting or die trying (to life it).
Inspired by The Onion
When it comes to weight loss, everyone has an opinion. Some people follow strict regimes and workout two hours a day and they try to impose this crazy lifestyle upon other people. Doctors always go on about “eating better, avoiding sugar/salt, healthy portions” etc.
But we all know what’s best for us and what works best for our body. A crash diet or not eating for a few days, those are all effective methods. Below are tips to follow for a greater weight loss despite the negative connotation.
- Wear a shirt that says “Run fast/Beast mode/Workout Maniac”– Because if you wear a shirt with such a powerful meaning, you will shed pounds without actually having to run fast.
- Buy extremely expensive shakes and diet pills which you will have to buy monthly– Nothing says “I am trying to lose weight” than buying shakes and pills to lose it and going broke while at it. Make sure they are so expensive you will not be able to afford that cruise to Mexico for the next two years. That’s how you know it’s the good stuff!
- Eat junk-food– Forget junk food haters! While on a diet, eating junk-food is a must. After all, does a hamburger not contain meat which equals protein? Does pizza not have a bunch of healthy ingredients such as tomatoes, cheese, onions aka veggies?
- Trust promising advertising– Trust anything that says “slim fast, crazy weight loss, no workout necessary, lose weight in two days” type of advertising because they work. They really do work- how lucky are you to be able to get your hands on this product without making any actual changes to your diet!
- Join a marketing scheme- which will require you selling their amazing products to your fat friends and family… this is by far the best way to show you mean business- quite literally, for that matter!
Inspired by The Onion
Richmond, VA- Her wedding day might still be months away, but Sally Ashworth, 25, is facing harsh criticism from her family and above all, her friends who find her decision of not trying to lose weight for the grand wedding day absolutely horrendous.
“I announced the engagement a week ago,” Sally told us, “and after the initial excitement, the conversation was steered to my look and my wedding dress and how I absolutely must drop twenty pounds and get toned arms and firm belly for the wedding.” The initial revelation was first accepted with “you must be kidding” kind of response, but then it turned into a serious matter.
“I told them I thought the wedding day was about Peter and I stating our love for each other in front of God and our close friends. Since, I’ve gotten nasty text messages about how I should truly reconsider losing some weight because after all I have to look good in the wedding pictures because they last forever.”
Her close friend, Miranda Elmore, 26 was one of those friends who warned Sally of the consequences of her reckless decision-making. “She is not thinking straight,” Miranda told us when we called her to find out more. “I’m covering her back here. It’s embarrassing to have bat wings in your wedding photos. Of course, wedding is about love but everyone also memorizes how the bride looked too. Twenty years from now, she will be looking back at her wedding album and think to herself man, I looked really good and toned and nothing can top that.”
(Inspired by The Onion)