fitness

Friends of a fat turned body-builder woman hope she will lose motivation sometime soon

Buffalo, NY- Perpetually hiding a pot belly in baggy clothes sometimes becomes so annoying that some people actually decide to do something about it. Brittany Quinn, 26, decided to get more toned after she got fed up with her jiggly body. “She started with the simple couch to 5K runs and things like that,” Leah, 25 told us about Brittany. They’ve been friends since high school. “I supported her and even did the runs with her. I knew she hated her body for years and doing something about it was definitely good.”

But Brittany Quinn didn’t stop there. She started complaining about not being toned enough. “She really changed her diet to nothing but protein shakes and lean meat and all that other super healthy stuff,” Whitney, Brittany’s best friend, noticed. “And she started to life weights. She ended up going to the gym for two hours each day.” Her Facebook was drowning with quotes like “I just want someone that will lift, cuddle and drink protein shakes with me” and had tons of pictures of her lifting heavy. “Within a few months you could notice a huge change in her body. The fat was disappearing and she was getting really toned. But she started cancelling on our movie nights because she didn’t want to be tempted by pop-corn and chips, and she spent Friday nights at the gym instead of going out and having fun.”

Within a year, she entered a body-building contest and won third place. “Of course we all went to see her to support her,” Whitney continued, “but we are all secretly hoping the old Brittany would come back. Like, she doesn’t have to be as fat as she was but we feel like she went from one extreme to another- from being really fat to really fit. Can’t she just be happy with a normal body and still go to the gym, eat healthy and still spend some time with her friends?”

Brittany was not available to comment because she was too busy lifting or die trying (to life it).

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Inspired by The Onion

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Debunking the 5 weight loss NO-NOs

When it comes to weight loss, everyone has an opinion. Some people follow strict regimes and workout two hours a day and they try to impose this crazy lifestyle upon other people. Doctors always go on about “eating better, avoiding sugar/salt, healthy portions” etc.

But we all know what’s best for us and what works best for our body. A crash diet or not eating for a few days, those are all effective methods. Below are tips to follow for a greater weight loss despite the negative connotation.

  1. Wear a shirt that says “Run fast/Beast mode/Workout Maniac”– Because if you wear a shirt with such a powerful meaning, you will shed pounds without actually having to run fast.
  2. Buy extremely expensive shakes and diet pills which you will have to buy monthly– Nothing says “I am trying to lose weight” than buying shakes and pills to lose it and going broke while at it. Make sure they are so expensive you will not be able to afford that cruise to Mexico for the next two years. That’s how you know it’s the good stuff!
  3. Eat junk-foodForget junk food haters! While on a diet, eating junk-food is a must. After all, does a hamburger not contain meat which equals protein? Does pizza not have a bunch of healthy ingredients such as tomatoes, cheese, onions aka veggies?
  4. Trust promising advertising– Trust anything that says “slim fast, crazy weight loss, no workout necessary, lose weight in two days” type of advertising because they work. They really do work- how lucky are you to be able to get your hands on this product without making any actual changes to your diet!
  5. Join a marketing scheme- which will require you selling their amazing products to your fat friends and family… this is by far the best way to show you mean business- quite literally, for that matter!

Inspired by The Onion

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Bride-to-be Faces Harsh Criticism After Announcing She Won’t Be Getting Fit For Her Wedding

Richmond, VA- Her wedding day might still be months away, but Sally Ashworth, 25, is facing harsh criticism from her family and above all, her friends who find her decision of not trying to lose weight for the grand wedding day absolutely horrendous.

“I announced the engagement a week ago,” Sally told us, “and after the initial excitement, the conversation was steered to my look and my wedding dress and how I absolutely must drop twenty pounds and get toned arms and firm belly for the wedding.” The initial revelation was first accepted with “you must be kidding” kind of response, but then it turned into a serious matter.

“I told them I thought the wedding day was about Peter and I stating our love for each other in front of God and our close friends. Since, I’ve gotten nasty text messages about how I should truly reconsider losing some weight because after all I have to look good in the wedding pictures because they last forever.”

Her close friend, Miranda Elmore, 26 was one of those friends who warned Sally of the consequences of her reckless decision-making. “She is not thinking straight,” Miranda told us when we called her to find out more. “I’m covering her back here. It’s embarrassing to have bat wings in your wedding photos. Of course, wedding is about love but everyone also memorizes how the bride looked too. Twenty years from now, she will be looking back at her wedding album and think to herself man, I looked really good and toned and nothing can top that.”

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(Inspired by The Onion)

Hate running and do it with a passion

Running doesn’t keep me happy. I don’t care if they have cute running clothes to make me look like I am dying less when I run. Nor do I care for the positive brain effects and endorphin that release as I run. Ok? I couldn’t care less.

I have no love for running whatsoever. I do it purely and solely because it is good for my health. There is no love relationship with it; I am not passionate for the sweating and the huffing and puffing I go through every-time. I am not a fan of having to convince myself from not stopping all the time. It is a constant mental battle and constant fighting with my body. Because, I guess, some people have bodies which are in dying need of running. My body is in dying need of couch-ing. When I run, I am like a nagging wife who constantly reminds her husband to do something. “Don’t stop, run faster, don’t stop, think positive, you can do this, don’t stop, pick up the pace, yes you can do another five minutes, don’t stop, didn’t I tell you not to stop?!”

But, as I tell all my friends who find running to be “boring” and hate to do it… You probably don’t like to go to work everyday either and yet…. you go. You make yourself do it. Why? Because you get paid. If you go running, you are compensated with good/better health. It’s boring, yes, but how many things in life are beautifully boring and yet a major part of our lives? So do it, be passionate about your hate for running and go sweat your butt off.

P.S: Thanks for reading my post, now share your thoughts on running with me 🙂

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Sparta is back in style

Finally! Skinny people have to take care of their bodies too! We are going back to the Spartan times. The times of fit people sweating together and sculpting their bodies. I mean, we should politely disregard the military-style education program with hazing and fighting.. here, we are talking about the work on their bodies, their ultimate obsession to achieve the bulkiest, chizzled and god-like muscles. Men or women, they were all supposed to strive to be physically fit.

Somewhere between Sparta and Twiggy, skinny people strategically positioned themselves to be adored and admired. I don’t know how we let them get away with it, but we did. And as lucky as they were with their genetically given bodies that have metabolisms on steroids, they were laughing at us as they ate chips and didn’t gain a pound.

But now, a new revolution is happening. It is slow, but it is sure. Skinny people can’t just be skinny. Now they look weak. And jiggly. And not toned. It is great! As a person who struggled with being fat my entire life, it is nice that the trend is moving towards a “healthy lifestyle.” Because just because you are skinny, doesn’t mean you are healthy. I have tons of skinny friends who gobble down cakes and hamburgers and almost lose weight.

It’s a new trend of eating food that fuels your body. A trend of working out hard to sculpt your body. No one can get away with being lazy or having good genes. You have to work for it, and you have to discipline yourself. It’s nice. Because ultimately it is about being healthy, and that’s what matters the most.

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The optimal number of New Year’s resolutions

Let’s face it: a random date on a calendar won’t make you change your ways. I have had my share of New Year’s resolutions; from eating lean meats four times a week to losing weight, to walking 5000 steps a day, to getting a new hobby, to smiling more, knitting an OK sweater, go scuba diving in Australia, planning a candlelight dinner, oh, learn how to cook better etc.

But what I realized is that only a true cause or reason for why you want to change or do something different will change you. We are creatures of habit and old habits are hard to break. So if you want to change something (not do something anymore, or start doing something), then do it when you are inspired to do it and you mean it.

Happy New Year!

P.S: I have to ask- did you ever stick to a New Year’s resolution? What was the reason behind it?

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To gym or not to gym?

1:00 pm- My lunch break is over and I successfully avoided my lunch running buddies. I mean, I have horrendous back pain, what can I do?

1:15 pm- Starting to feel a little guilty about lying to my co-workers about back pain. But they always go so fast! I can’t catch up with them. It’s better I didn’t go.

3:00 pm- I feel like my legs look excessively large today. I should have gone running.

4:00 pm- Great, because I skipped my lunch run I have to stay late at the gym.

5:15 pm- I feel guilty as I drive by my gym. It’s staring judgmentally back at me. Look away, gym. There is nothing to see here!

7:00 pm- Got my grocery shopping done. My running shoes are ogling me. I feel so darn guilty. Should I go to the gym or not? I am so darn tired.

7:30 pm- David asks me why I skipped gym. I hate it when he points things out. I skipped it. So what? He mumbles something about me constantly complaining about my weight and how I should go to the gym since we paid for it.

7:32 pm- We did pay for it but I am entitled to a break, aren’t I?

7:45 PM- I drive to the damn gym. The moment I start running I actually feel better. My body is thanking me. I needed this.

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The Mother of excuses

My entire left I felt bad for my Mom; she always made it sound like she was the victim of the (whatever) situation she was in. Whether it was because she didn’t have any money, had problems at work or something else. I, as a very sensitive and observing child, felt bad and guilty. I wanted to help her and it saddened me she was miserable.

Sometimes when I wanted to play dress up, she let me try on her “skinny” clothes (the ones she couldn’t fit in anymore). Every time she looked at the smaller jeans or M-size sweater, her face turned into a regretful facade, and she almost whispered a new promise of trying to lose weight again. Even if just a couple of pounds! I gladly backed her up, and hoped that this time she meant it.

Fast-forward to yesterday, she messaged me on Facebook that she is going to the gym. “Is that the gym where you lay on your back and you have the machine massage your fat?” I had to ask. She joined that scam fitness a few years ago. Obviously, it didn’t do anything for her but provided her with an excuse that she was “trying.”

Twenty made-up facts later, she was determined that she is “too fat” to go on a running machine and can’t possibly run. I wanted to send her the video of The Biggest Loser or something like that. But I didn’t. I decided I was done. Done trying to help her. Done trying to support her. Since I have known her, she has every excuse not to lose weight. She won’t accept other people’s help. She won’t listen to anyone but herself and the lies she makes up in her head. I won’t listen to her stories about bad investments she has made and lost money. I won’t listen to her complaints about how everything is wrong at work and she can’t do anything about it. I’m done. DONE.

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