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An intern at Volkswagen actually behind the emissions scandal

Wolfsburg, Germany- In the midst of finger-pointing exchanges, it seems that the truth about who is actually behind the emissions scandal at Volkswagen is finally coming to surface. After the chief executive Winterkorn resigned “in the interest of the company” and denied any wrongdoing and not knowing anything about the “diesel dupe,” it seems that he may have been telling the truth.

Markus Schneider, 22, was hired on as an intern at Volkswagen as part of the HR team. His tasks primarily entailed bringing coffee to his boss, making copies and answering phones in a true polite manner.

But Markus wanted more; he wanted to leave his mark at Volkswagen. On his own, he came up with the “Diesel Dupe”, a device that was put in diesel engines and could detect when they were being tested, changing the performance accordingly to improve results.

“The CEO’s didn’t know about it, of course not,” Markus told us in a confidential interview. “I acted on my own. I went to the designers and manufacturers and told them that this new device is mandatory in every vehicle. As an intern, they all knew the power I had and didn’t question my orders. Within weeks, they started installing the diesel dupe. I was very proud of myself.”

The recent scandal, however, upsets Markus very much. “I was hoping to get a promotion, you know. It is a brilliant scamming technique and I fooled everyone at Volkswagen. Now, everyone is resigning and I am out of job. It definitely didn’t turn out how I wanted it to.”

Inspired by The Onion

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Merkel resigns: “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this sh*t”

Berlin, Germany- People across Europe have woken up to some shocking news on the morning of August 22, 2015. Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany and the unofficial leader of the European Union, decided to resign from her position.

Looking tired and weary-eyed, dressed in her usual frumpy power suit, she held an emergency press conference in the Press and Information Office of the Federal Government in Berlin. “I stand here before you to tell you that today I officially resign as a Chancellor of Germany. Recent years have brought on so much baloney, I think I just don’t want to deal with it anymore […] and honestly, I just don’t get paid enough to deal with this s*it.”

When asked what are some main reasons for her sudden resignation, she laughed loudly and stated: “Where should I even begin?”

In her three hours long explanation speech, she stated that “it all started with Americans spreading the financial crisis upon everyone, and while Germans are good with savings and planning, other nations aren’t and they just pissed away the money and then came to me to bail them out […] So everyone is unemployed, and now we have millions of so-called “refugees” who are fleeing to Europe and expect me to take care of them. We don’t have enough money for everyone, don’t you get this? WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY!”

She also expressed that her party, Christian Democratic Union of Germany, is putting her under severe pressure. “My party is ready to get rid of me because they think I am babying everyone; and they are absolutely against all the Muslim refugees. In addition, my reputations among German people has been tarnished; I have German citizens demanding not to spend our hard earned money anymore and asking me where on Earth are we going to place all those refugees?”

Terrorist acts across Europe also horrify Mrs. Merkel. “The spread of terrorism across Europe has just been awful. I keep asking Hollande (President of France), to be more active and take more severe precautions but he just laughs and says we got it under control. I would’ve taken more aggressive measures, but you know, with German history and all, my hands are kind of tied.”

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Inspired by The Onion

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What about the young people, Europe?

Europe, the land of the kind socialists and good-hearted people, is exploiting its young work force. Every time I am done with my Skype session with my friends from Europe, I am astounded. Simply astounded. The stories they tell me….

Young, fresh out of college graduates cannot find jobs, for months, even years! Even in Germany, the amount of people seeking for jobs is so high that students are paying agencies to find them internships- INTERNSHIPS- which are UNPAID! They are willing to pay to to get a job and work for free just to get experience. Companies have young students, graduates and even those with work experience by the balls (pardon my French). And they are exploiting them just like cruel Americans make their people work. Before anyone goes on about American crisis, I assure you, it may have been bad a couple years ago but it has been picking up and my God you could at least get a job at Wendy’s.

Many in Europe complain about Americans…who “work hard all the time. No one has vacation, no break ever”- they say. “Your healthcare system sucks and you work like a slave.” But what happened to Europe I ask you? Why is Europe failing to see that the future is in the young, spirited and driven young workforce, and not the one that  has a degree but brings you coffee, makes copies for you and secretly hates you for doing it? And why are those lucky ones that find jobs significantly underpaid?

I leave you with these thoughts, those that have comments, type away in the section below…. 😉

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3 Tips on how to avoid being THAT tourist/guest

We all know them. They whine. They complain. You wonder why they even visited another country if everything is so bad. Here’s some tips on how not to be THAT tourist.

1) OK, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WEATHER. There is nothing anyone can do about it; I can’t make the rain stop, I can’t make the wind stop blowing and I sure as hell can’t change winter to summer. It’s winter time. Why is snow and wind such a surprise? Just because your delicate little feet are from Florida or Mexico or some other warm place and you are essentially a person with a weak immune system and practically a germ-cold-disease-cough-bate, I can’t help you with your cold intolerance. Of course, weather is always a point of conversation but I don’t want to hear about how you are going to die for the billionth time.
2) FOOD is the best part of going somewhere else and getting French fries does not mean you are trying. But OK, even that is better than making a face with everything that’s not American food. Just don’t compare everything to American food…. it is just a waste of time. Germans know how to make better beer. Fact. Italians know how to make better pizza than Papa John’s. Fact. Just because your palette isn’t capable of differentiating, it does mean you get to complain about how bad and weird the food is.
3) WALKING IS SOMETHING PEOPLE DO ALL THE TIME– they even pursue this method of getting from a place A to place B in American cities such as New York, Boston etc.What a surprise! As Americans, we have the beautiful freedom of having a car and driving it everywhere BUT when you are in a country where they actually walk more than 10 feet because that is, another surprise, normal, then don’t complain about having to walk. I get it that the back hurts sometimes with too much walking but avoiding places just because they have to be walked to is just ridiculous.
So, don’t complain about weather, different food and walking– and everyone will love you.
And….. P.S: if you are staying at someone’s house, don’t complain about the quality of toilet paper. We all know your ass is delicate and it bleeds if you don’t use a 5-layer soft toilet paper with sheets of gold, but that’s really not something worth complaining about. Maybe you have too much of a heavy hand, have you thought of that?

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Fall of the Wall

Berlin celebrated twenty-five years since the Wall came down. The media reported with an abundance of pictures of the before and after, and Merkel made a glamorous speech on how dreams do come true.

Where were you when the Wall came down? Do you remember it? Was it a memorable event for you?

I wasn’t phased by it as much as some of my German friends but I am fascinated by the stories. This idea of putting a wall up to separate people… is crazy. I asked Jutta, now an older lady who lived in the West, how come the people didn’t mind the wall? I can’t imagine passing a wall by every day and not think of people on the other side. Not being bothered by this limitation of the world. “You get used to it. They had heavy guards and even if you wanted to wonder about the other side, you were best off not to.”

I can imagine a life in that time, and I hope a wall like this will never again be erected…and if it is, we know that it will come down because human spirit will not accept it.

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Nazis on the dark side of the Moon

Sometimes, well, actually quite often these days, I really don’t know if I am able to be write about something people will like… or care to read. The movies made these days…. the books written…I personally find them to be dull; the writing is so uninspiring. Let me give you an example: yesterday night David made me watch a movie called “Iron Sky”, a movie talking about how “the Nazis set up a secret base on the dark side of the moon in 1945 where they hide out and plan to return to power in 2018.”

Needless to say, I fell asleep in the middle, but I have to say I was quite envy at whoever made the movie. It got a bunch of funding from the European agencies and somebody actually thought that the script was so good it should be turned into a movie. Not only that, they actually convinced others that a plot with Nazis living on the dark side of the Moon is a sci-fi comedy/action that will attract audiences. They got money to shoot it too! Either I have no sense of humor anymore, or they are better at selling their plot… just as a writer, I find it mind-boggling. But I guess it’s the crowds that decide in the end….

Did any of you watch the movie? Or read a book that you couldn’t believe anyone in their right mind would publish?

P.S: Thank you for reading my blog. Shout out to my followers!! :))

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