You are like a bad boyfriend. You lure me with the sweet sugar and hazelnut combo, only to make me feel like a horrible person after I finish the jar within a couple of hours. Everyone keeps telling me you are bad for me, but I don’t care most of the time. I need you.
You are like a drug. Probably worse. Because when I eat Nutella, there is no self-control. You turn me into a spoon-licking monster who always wants more.
I first indulged myself during my study abroad in France and I probably gained 10 pounds from gobbling down slices of bread drowning in Nutella each morning. And afternoon. And right before bed.
For Americans it is hard to understand the Nutella obsession. Because you, Nutella, are either loved or hated. David can’t stand you. But I will pay whatever price to get a jar. Like crack-addicts I will sell my TV if I have to just to get a taste.
But lately, I’ve been having to avoid you. It just doesn’t work, Nutella. You swoop me off my feet with your sweet flavors and trick me into eating so much I end up hating myself. I will probably never have a bikini body, and mostly, it is because of you, dear Nutella. Like a bad boyfriend, you make me feel bad about myself… so it’s best I stay away. I have to (even though I don’t want to). It is for the best.
We all know them. They whine. They complain. You wonder why they even visited another country if everything is so bad. Here’s some tips on how not to be THAT tourist.
1) OK, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WEATHER. There is nothing anyone can do about it; I can’t make the rain stop, I can’t make the wind stop blowing and I sure as hell can’t change winter to summer. It’s winter time. Why is snow and wind such a surprise? Just because your delicate little feet are from Florida or Mexico or some other warm place and you are essentially a person with a weak immune system and practically a germ-cold-disease-cough-bate, I can’t help you with your cold intolerance. Of course, weather is always a point of conversation but I don’t want to hear about how you are going to die for the billionth time.
2) FOOD is the best part of going somewhere else and getting French fries does not mean you are trying. But OK, even that is better than making a face with everything that’s not American food. Just don’t compare everything to American food…. it is just a waste of time. Germans know how to make better beer. Fact. Italians know how to make better pizza than Papa John’s. Fact. Just because your palette isn’t capable of differentiating, it does mean you get to complain about how bad and weird the food is.
3) WALKING IS SOMETHING PEOPLE DO ALL THE TIME– they even pursue this method of getting from a place A to place B in American cities such as New York, Boston etc.What a surprise! As Americans, we have the beautiful freedom of having a car and driving it everywhere BUT when you are in a country where they actually walk more than 10 feet because that is, another surprise, normal, then don’t complain about having to walk. I get it that the back hurts sometimes with too much walking but avoiding places just because they have to be walked to is just ridiculous.
So, don’t complain about weather, different food and walking– and everyone will love you.
And….. P.S: if you are staying at someone’s house, don’t complain about the quality of toilet paper. We all know your ass is delicate and it bleeds if you don’t use a 5-layer soft toilet paper with sheets of gold, but that’s really not something worth complaining about. Maybe you have too much of a heavy hand, have you thought of that?