satire

Little girl wants to become a singer to sing about drinking and partying all night


Atlanta, GA- Music is a powerful thing. It influences our mood, our feelings and even changes our lives. There are many wonderful musicians which touch our hearts with their powerful songs.

For Ellie Coleman, 5, singing is her life. Ellie means nothing but business- she may be only five but she is more than ready to be a singing sensation when she gets older. She has a lot of favorite singers she looks up to, she told me when I talked to her about musical inspirations. “I like Miley Cyrus. Keisha. Taylor Swift too although I liked her better when she was country,” she shared with me.
“What kind of songs do you like to sing? Right now it seems you are leaning more towards love songs,” I asked her.
“That’s true,” she agreed. “But that’s because my Mom chooses the songs. I think once I get older I will sing about drinking and partying. You know that Keisha verse –Drop top and playin’ our favorite CD’s, Pullin’ up to the parties, Tryna get a little bit tipsy. Or Miley singing about being in the club standing on the couch, In them Wolf Greys like it’s my house, Drinking out the bottle, I got no respect…- these are the words of great musicians,” Ellie said with her eyes sparkling. “They know what life is all about. So I will definitely try to carry on this legacy of clubbing days, poppin bottles and staying up til the break of dawn.”

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Wife annoyed by having to be “the big spoon” all the time

Austin, TX- Spooning is one of the most popular ways for couples to share some tender moments, affection and snuggles. In most cases, men tend to be the big spoons since they are the taller or more masculine partner. However, in the modern age, spooning does not necessarily have to be done with traditional roles assumed based on gender.

Lilly Phillips, 34, has been the big spoon through the entire five year marriage with Francis and as she says, “she is getting sick of it.”

She is used to being the little spoon from her previous relationships but with Francis, it was different. “He always wanted to be the little spoon. I did it for a while but I want to be hugged to you know,” she shared with us. “I like his arms around me, I feel very safe. But when I am the one spooning him and I feel so awkward because of the size difference. He is a 280-pound man who is much taller than me so hugging him does not cover much. I just wish he would be the big spoon, you know. I deserve to be the little spoon sometimes, darn it.”

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Guy at Sweet Tomatoes Doesn’t Eat All He Can Eat

West Palm Beach, FL- Employees of Sweet Tomatoes, “a buffet chain serving health-conscious American eats with from-scratch soups, salads, pastas & more,” are used to customers who walk out with their pants undone, moaning of how much food they had. It is a common sight at the “all you can eat” restaurant- but last Thursday, a normal guy walked in and had no problems walking out.

“I noticed his suspicious behavior by the salad bar already,” an employee at Sweet Tomatoes told us. “He didn’t pile on as much salad, croutons, beans etc. as he could but actually put a normal amount of food on the plate. Then, he continued his way to the soup&pasta area and took a bowl of soup, a baked potato with only a little bit of sour creme and that was it. I was shocked,” said the aforementioned employee. “He didn’t even get desert! The guy took an orange to go and he walked out like nothing happened.”

All the employees that day were utterly shocked and stayed in shock for the rest of the day. “We don’t see it happen a lot, you know. It seemed surreal.”

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Billy, 25, just barely got himself to “like” his Dad’s ZOO photos

Sarasota, FL- It is bad enough our parents know what Facebook is. It is even worse that they have befriended us and have the rare access to our public internet Facebook life. Their presence means only two things- posting embarrassing comments to our photos and postings and/or them posting embarrassing photos of themselves in a public or private space.

Billy, 25, has been friends with his Dad on Facebook for more than four years now and he has unfollowed his Dad’s post feed a long time ago. “He uses humor that is very typical for his generation, you know. The pictures he takes and the ideas he shares are from Ronald Reagan times and well, he loves the Three Stooges type of humor, you know, the one with physical farce and slapstick and I just find that incredibly dumb. All the old people he knows find it hilarious but I just can’t get myself to like any of it.”

Billy does try sometimes to like his Dad’s photos. “Well, I don’t want to be the son that doesn’t like anything on his Dad’s Facebook. Just the other day I liked his ZOO photos. He went there and took selfies with the giraffes and found it hilarious when monkeys were doing it in front of him and posted a bunch of photos of it. Like, it’s not that funny but I love him anyway. So I “liked” the album but I won’t “like” anything for a while.”

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Local man buys a motorcycle to use it as “means of transportation”- friends&family outraged

Jacksonville, FL- Trying to avoid the summer spike in gas prices, along with some other reasons such as cheaper insurance, Mike Bukley, 31, bought a simple, 250 cc motorcycle to get around. Realizing the dangers of riding a motorcycle, he also bought a protective jacket, gloves and a helmet to keep him safe.

He expected to have some troubles on the road since he just got his riding licence, but what he did not expect was the response from his friends and family to his new bike.

“I told my buddies I got a new bike. One said that 250cc is for old ladies and the other said I shouldn’t be buying rice rockets,” Mike told us, obviously annoyed by their reaction. “My brother Dave was the worst […] He wanted to make my bike louder, and add a car radio so everyone would hear and see me riding.” His co-workers also thought he looked stupid wearing a helmet and should not be wearing one (if he wanted to get the attention from the ladies attention anyhow).

“I don’t really care, though,” Mike assured us, “if they can’t get it that a motorcycle to me is just a means of transportation getting me from place A to place B then so be it. I don’t have to overcompensate for my lack of bad-boy image and excitement in my life by buying a bike.”

Inspired by The Onion

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Successful young man is depressed because he is not average

Chicago, IL- He is young, determined, ridiculously good-looking and also one of the top entrepreneurs in the US. The 24 year-old Tim Mosley has always been driven by ambition to do something more in his life. “Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be successful,” Mosley shared with us as we met him in his high-rise office in Chicago downtown. “I was always learning, building things, asking questions while other kids enjoyed the playground.”

He was always the teacher’s pet and he skipped first year of college after having taken AP courses in high school. He was working two jobs while in college to save enough money to start his own business. Soon, he opened his start-up “Booxies” which is now a million dollar business.

Most people envy Tim Mosley the lifestyle he has, but Mosley has had his ups and downs. “I get depressed a lot,” he says as he looks around his enormous office with sad-puppy eyes. “People think I have it all but all my friends from elementary school are making minimum wage or a tad more and are broke all the time and I kind of envy them that. They get together and whine about it, while I just don’t fit in anymore. I often wish I would have money problems and no ambition because then at least I would have friends I could hang out with. It’s like being ambitious is a curse […] you stand out and no one can relate to you anymore.”

Inspired by The Onion

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Merkel resigns: “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this sh*t”

Berlin, Germany- People across Europe have woken up to some shocking news on the morning of August 22, 2015. Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany and the unofficial leader of the European Union, decided to resign from her position.

Looking tired and weary-eyed, dressed in her usual frumpy power suit, she held an emergency press conference in the Press and Information Office of the Federal Government in Berlin. “I stand here before you to tell you that today I officially resign as a Chancellor of Germany. Recent years have brought on so much baloney, I think I just don’t want to deal with it anymore […] and honestly, I just don’t get paid enough to deal with this s*it.”

When asked what are some main reasons for her sudden resignation, she laughed loudly and stated: “Where should I even begin?”

In her three hours long explanation speech, she stated that “it all started with Americans spreading the financial crisis upon everyone, and while Germans are good with savings and planning, other nations aren’t and they just pissed away the money and then came to me to bail them out […] So everyone is unemployed, and now we have millions of so-called “refugees” who are fleeing to Europe and expect me to take care of them. We don’t have enough money for everyone, don’t you get this? WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY!”

She also expressed that her party, Christian Democratic Union of Germany, is putting her under severe pressure. “My party is ready to get rid of me because they think I am babying everyone; and they are absolutely against all the Muslim refugees. In addition, my reputations among German people has been tarnished; I have German citizens demanding not to spend our hard earned money anymore and asking me where on Earth are we going to place all those refugees?”

Terrorist acts across Europe also horrify Mrs. Merkel. “The spread of terrorism across Europe has just been awful. I keep asking Hollande (President of France), to be more active and take more severe precautions but he just laughs and says we got it under control. I would’ve taken more aggressive measures, but you know, with German history and all, my hands are kind of tied.”

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Inspired by The Onion

Freshman brings an entire house with him to the dorm

Columbia, SC- Mothers this week everywhere are walking around puffy-eyed and equipped with tissues, as their babies are finally moving out for college. They have swamped the college towns to help their offspring make the big move; many secretly doubt their kids can make it in the cold embrace of a college dorm. Fresh(wo)men, likewise, aren’t sure if they can make it without a pre-stocked fridge either.

Justin, 19, was once one of those kids- seriously doubting his survival skills. “I told my Mom and Dad that these college dorms were not up to the standard of living I am used to. I told them the only way I was going to go to college and live in a dorm was if they replicated everything we have at home. I wanted my own giant fridge, two bikes, microwave, Sonos wireless home theater system (to recreate the home cinema feel for the times I watch movies), a new car (for the ladies), nice comfortable recliner (like the one Dad has), giant plasma TV, PS3 and some other items no one should ever live without. It took a few days, but now my dorm finally looks the same as my room back home […] it’s like I never left.”

While a little worried about the cost of all the amenities, Justin’s parents gladly bought everything that Justin needed for the big move. “His college room is now his new home and if we have to replicate our entire house to make him comfortable, so be it,” said Lydia, Justin’s Mom. “I can’t imagine a life without a microwave or TV, and neither should my baby.”

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Selfie stick draws 90% of the viewer’s retina movements

Philadelphia, PA- The self-centered, (new) way of looking awkward while taking cutesy pictures of yourself or your group of friends at the top of the Eiffel Tower is all the rage. Selfie stick is the “hottest 2014/2015 holiday gift,” and people are embracing the long, extendable sticks as a way to never ask a stranger to take a photo of them ever again.

Researches from the Woodrow Institute of Social Sciences and Psychology have followed the phenomenon of selfie obsession and carefully studied if, indeed, the selfie takers get the desired results by using the selfie stick. The researches carefully analyzed the retina movements of two thousand participants who were shown pictures of people taking normal selfies and selfies with a stick. Surprisingly, 90% percent of the retina movements was first drawn to the stick itself, while blurring out the people who were holding it.

“The study provided us with interesting results,” told us Dr. Michael Berry, Chairman of the Woodrow Institute of Social Sciences and Psychology. “The individuals who are using selfie sticks as a way to optimize their self-portrayal are actually not getting the desired results; the study revealed that the sticks are actually a distraction to the eye […] what this means is that the viewer of the image spends more time looking at the actual stick; looking at its length, analyzing what materials it is made of and how the photographer is holding it rather than paying attention to the face/body/landscape that the photographer is trying to capture. In psychology we call this the “irrelevant yet relevant object of distraction” which bamboozles the brain.” When asked which tool would be best to take photos, Dr. Berry reverted back to “good ole fashioned days of asking the stranger to take multiple pictures so the person can choose the best one.”

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Inspired by The Onion

Cruise lines encourage passengers to leave personal items as a way to reserve a spot on the deck

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL- In the midst of crowded decks, fights for lounge chairs and common lack of care, Barnival Cruise line is the first among many to officially approve and encourage passengers to leave their personal items as a way to reserve a spot on the deck.

“There is always a lot of hostility in the air when our guests have to share the decks and the pool areas. The free seating chairs are always crowded and it has truly become a problem,” stated Amanda Rigby, who’s been a deck attendant at Barnival Cruise Line for almost four years. “I’ve seen people get into shouting matches because, for example, German guests always reserve a spot with a newspaper, while Americans like to leave a towel. There is a big cultural clash […] and as a company we must accommodate our guests in the best way possible. Therefore, to solve the issues that have been accumulating for years, we have decided that whoever leaves any personal item(s) first on the chair, no body else can remove it, not even the cruise staff throughout the entire duration of the cruise.”

The recent announcement was accepted with positive reaction.

Anne, a 70-year old retiree, was quite satisfied. “I don’t get much sleep through the night, so I can put my bag or towel on the deck chair at the crack of dawn when everyone is still asleep. It definitely helps me keep my spot as I take my afternoon nap and don’t have to worry about it. I like the new system.”

“Now, I don’t have to call somebody a jerk and make a scene about them taking my towel in front of my kids,” said Michael Schneider, father of three.

Landon, 47, sports junkie stated: “I don’t ever go to the pool areas, but I like to have the option of not having to worry about it and just dump my gym shirt there. Really glad they’re doing this.”

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Inspired by The Onion